


it's not your fault.

by courage_of_stars



Series: in the darkness, would you call in the name of love? [1]
Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Video Blogging RPF, Watcher Entertainment, Watcher Entertainment RPF
Genre: (Abuse NOT between Ryan + Shane), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:00:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22644520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/courage_of_stars/pseuds/courage_of_stars
Summary: "You know what's real?" The edges of Shane's smile grow strained. "It's when you're haunted by someone who isn't dead."---(In which Ryan begins to understand another reason why Shane isn't afraid of ghosts.)
Relationships: Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej
Series: in the darkness, would you call in the name of love? [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1655962
Comments: 22
Kudos: 360





	it's not your fault.

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: past abuse, anxiety, self-harm, panic attack, mental health

Apprehension crescendoes slowly inside of Ryan. He watches Shane turn off the cameras and audio recorders in the hotel room. They've gone through countless terrifying investigations, but Ryan's never seen this kind of alarming behavior from his bestfriend. Shane wavers between being stricken with panic, and emotionally shutting down all together. Between the two of them, Shane endlessly cracks grins and throws out jokes. But right now, there's not even a trace of a smile on Shane's face.

In an attempt to understand the catalyst for all this, Ryan replays the past couple of hours in his mind. They finished shooting for the day, then went to a diner with the team. Now, they're chilling in this supposedly haunted hotel room. But when it's only the two of them, Shane does an abrupt 180.

Ryan's heart seizes at the sight Shane's trembling hands. "Shane. Dude." His eyes grow wider by the second. "Wha-"

Before Ryan can even ask a question, Shane disappears into the bathroom. After the door slams, Ryan hears the sink, shower and vents turning on.

Confusion and bewilderment swiftly mutate into sharp panic. Ryan rushes over to the bathroom door. "Shane, are you okay?" He talks loudly over the cacophony of noise from the other side. "What's going on?" His hand reaches for the door handle. Shane forgot to lock it. But the moment Ryan gets an inch open, Shane's pushing from the other side. The two men are caught in a stalemate with one door at their mercy.

"Shane." Ryan's voice takes on a firmer tone. "If you need space, I totally understand, man. Or if you need someone, you've got me. Or I can bring whoever else you want. But I need to know that you're going to be safe."

Everything falls into silence except for the sounds of running water and roaring air vents. With the door like an iron barricade, it feels as if Shane's going to push Ryan away, and lock him out.

Instead Ryan almost falls forward when Shane withdraws from the door. Before Ryan collides into the other man, or crashes onto the ground, Shane catches him. After helping Ryan stand up, and mumbling an apology, Shane turns towards the sink.

"You don't wanna see this, Ryan."

That kind of heartbreakingly defeated tone sounds surreal coming from Shane. Like anyone else, Shane has moments of being uncertain and nervous. But something about this runs deeper. An ache of concern resonates in Ryan's chest.

While hanging his head, Shane stands over the sink. One hand grips tightly at the sink counter's edge. Skin stretches taut over knuckles until almost turning white. His other hand clutches at the front of his shirt. Shoulders rise and fall erratically. Shane's out of breath like he just ran for miles. As someone who's grown up with anxiety, Ryan can read signs of an approaching panic attack. And it seems like Shane is on the precarious edge of falling into one.

"Shane, I'm not leaving you," Ryan declares with a steadfast gaze. "Tell me what you need."

"Help me breathe." The words slip out as if they were meant to remain in Shane's head. "Fuck- sorry, I--"

"You don't gotta apologize, dude." Ryan smiles reassuringly. "I've got you. Here, match my breathing."

He guides Shane's hand to rest on his chest. Ryan takes deeper inhales followed by drawn out exhales in order to create a steady rhythm. Shane's fingers curl into Ryan's shirt with such tension that fabric strains. This is the same method Shane uses with him when Ryan experiences panic attacks.

Slowly, they sink down until they're sitting on the ground. Shane leans back against the wall, and Ryan's gets settled in front of him. Shane's choking on air. Each labored wheeze sounds like glass shards simultaneously being swallowed and coughed up. Ryan holds onto Shane's free hand. Shane rests his forehead on the other man's shoulder. For a while, they just breathe together.

_Inhale...Exhale...Inhale...Exhale..._

Gradually, Shane's breathing calms down. His forehead remains on Ryan's shoulder. The violent tremors that once racked Shane's body fade away. But now, he's drained of all energy.

Ryan blinks back tears he didn't even know surfaced. He takes in a deep breath to regain his composure. Gently, Ryan breaks the silence. "Shane-- if you want to talk about it, I'll listen. And if you don't want to talk about it, we can just chill here." It's not always about spilling secrets. Sometimes, it's about sitting in the dark with someone, and holding their hand.

A few seconds pass before Shane lifts his head from Ryan's shoulder. Usually, Shane's a wild hurricane of flailing limbs. But in the bathroom, Shane moves as if lead weights are tied to his body. He turns off the shower and sink, then sits back down against the wall. Only the bathroom vents provide white background noise. Shane's gaze fixes upon the wall to his right.

This distant, quiet nature from Shane slightly unnerves Ryan. Only because it's something Ryan's never witnessed. How much pain has Shane kept buried? And for how long? Ryan looks down at their hands, since Shane's reached for his again. Ryan runs his thumb and fingers over the man's skin. But when Ryan turns Shane's hand to trace palm lines, his vision blurs with unshed tears.

It's taken this many years for Ryan to see crescent moon scars on Shane's palm. There's traces of red from newly broken skin.

"It's a bad habit, I know. Sorry."

Ryan looks up once realizing that Shane caught him staring. Before Ryan can respond, something else dawns upon him: Shane preemptively says sorry. Even for things he doesn't need to be sorry about. "Shane, it's okay. You don't have to keep apologizing."

"Another bad habit?" Shane suggests with a wry grin. He runs a hand through his disheveled brown hair while looking away again. "It's funny, y'know. Lot of people think I'm not afraid of anything." Shane chuckles. There's no amusement or joy in the sound. Only weariness and self-deprecation. "I try to make it seem that way."

"Shane-" Ryan hesitates while grasping for the right words. He's not trying to coddle his bestfriend. But he's not going to be an insensitive dick, and brush this whole situation away. "I understand if you don't want to show it on camera-"

"Not the camera." Shane shakes his head. "I didn't want to show _you._ "

Confusion slams into Ryan. Then it's followed by an electric jolt of fear and guilt. Why would Shane hide? Is there something Ryan's been missing? Did Ryan fuck up in a way that makes Shane feel like he has to suppress his own emotions? Shane's helped Ryan with his struggles ever since they met. He's incredible at holding a safe space for Ryan, and offers boundless empathy. Why would Shane feel that Ryan wouldn't support him too? How could Ryan let Shane go through all of this alone for years?

"Ry. Ry. Ryan. Dude." Shane pokes his arm. "I can hear you thinking. Don't blame yourself. Really." There's no follow up humor. Just a tired, haunted smile.

Ryan squeezes his hand. "You never have to hide from me, Shane. You can tell me anything. You're my bestfriend, bro, partner-in-investigating-weird-shit. I'm never gonna judge you, shame you, or turn you away. I just-- I want to help. In whatever way you need."

While heaving a shaky sigh, Shane's eyes drift elsewhere. He's always so articulate, and boldly speaks his mind. But right now, Ryan sees that Shane's struggling. Just because a panic attack subsides doesn't mean that anxiety disappears all together. It's even rarer for whatever causing that anxiety to die as well. Flickers of tension still grip Shane's shoulders. Ryan feels subtle trembling in the man's hand as well.

"It was before we met. Way while back," Shane explains while studying their clasped hands. He loosens his hold, so he can reveal his palm. "There was--...someone I was with. He didn't like my anxiety, or anything related to it. Like my bad habits--"

Subconsciously, Shane runs his thumb over the edges of his other fingertips. Then he gazes dimly at the nail marks accompanying palm lines. "He said it was-...it was making things hard for him. And that it's not-- attractive. I made it hard for him to love me. So, I learned to hide everything." Shane closes his eyes while drawing in a deep breath. "That way he would stay."

Even without his experience of investigating mysteries, Ryan's always been perceptive. He can read into what Shane _isn't_ saying: it was an abusive relationship. White hot rage washes over Ryan, and threatens to pull him down under. A monotonous, strident ringing drowns out all other sounds.

Who _the fuck_ would ever say or do such things to Shane? To anyone? Even if not in the context of a romantic relationship, how can someone _punish_ another person for their mental health? Nobody fucking asks for anxiety, depression, trauma, or any such struggles. Ryan can't even imagine what fear Shane had to live with 24/7 while thinking his partner would shame him for it, or even leave--

All the dots connect.

"Shane." Ryan waits until their eyes meet. "I'm not leaving you." His grasp on Shane's hand tightens. "Your anxiety isn't going to make me run. It doesn't make you a burden. Or unattractive. Like Jesus Christ--" Ryan laughs breathlessly. "You're the most fucking attractive person I know. Both inside and out."

He has to stop himself before going on about how beautiful Shane is. Shane may be the most frustrating person when he's debunking all of Ryan's theories left and right. But his mind is brilliant as Hell, his humor is whip sharp, and his heart is made of gold. Ryan hasn't only been crushing on Shane. He's fallen in love with the man over the years. But Ryan shoves all of those feelings aside. The focus tonight is on Shane. Not Ryan.

"You are _not_ hard to love, Shane. Nothing could be further from the truth." Ryan's thumb runs over the scars on Shane's palm. He's careful to not aggravate the newly broken skin. "I don't want you to always feel like I do when I'm in those scary as fuck haunted rooms." Ryan looks up for their eyes to meet. "I'll be in the dark with you, Shane."

Somehow, Ryan's the one who starts crying first. He can't help it. These tears don't come from pity. But from anger towards someone giving Shane a lifetime of pain rather than love. Emotions waver in Shane's eyes while he dries Ryan's tears.

"Ryan," Shane says softly with a smile. "Those rooms aren't haunted. Ghosts aren't real."

Ryan scoffs as he gets flustered. "Dude! I'm trying to have a moment with you! Also ghosts are so totally real-"

"You know what's real?" The edges of Shane's smile grow strained. "It's when you're haunted by someone who isn't dead." His brittle laughter falls apart. "I've learned to just-- live with it. But- I heard his voice at the diner today. Thought I was imagining shit. But fuckin' Hell-- _He was there._ Just a few tables over. And he was-" Shane's jaw tightens as he looks away. It takes a few moments for him to find his voice again. "Doing alright. Happy, even. And I'm here still being fucked up over this. It's my fault that I haven't gotten over it-"

Ryan holds Shane's face in his hands. _"It's not your fault."_ The moment he sees tears brim Shane's eyes, Ryan knows that nobody's ever told him these words. "Shane, it's not your fault. _And you deserved none of it._ " He brings their foreheads together. "Can I hold you?"

With his breath hitching on stifled sob, Shane nods. Ryan pulls him into an embrace. Their bodies draw in closer until they feel each other's heartbeats. He can't imagine what it must've been like for Shane to deal with this alone. Now, Ryan understands why Shane excused himself from the diner earlier today. It's tempting to hunt down that fucking bastard who triggered Shane, who made Shane's life Hell, who dared to hurt Shane, who made Shane question his own worth--

But Ryan suppresses his fury. That's not what Shane needs right now. When Ryan feels the dampness of Shane's tears against his neck and shoulder, he only holds onto the man tighter. Again, Ryan whispers,"It's not your fault."

He knows that Shane may not believe it right now, but Ryan will say it as many times needed. A hard sob finally breaks through Shane. Ryan blinks through his own tears while tightening the embrace.

"Fuck it-" Shane mutters against Ryan's shirt. "Might as well tell you, since you've seen this mess." Shane gestures to himself. He keeps going before Ryan can protest. "There's another reason I tried hiding all of this. I've been falling for you, Ryan. For a damned long time." At the confession, his voice splinters with another staggering sob. "I kept it to myself, since I didn't want to fuck up what we already have. Not just Buzzfeed Unsolved. But our friendship. You've helped me get through this fucking Hell all these years. But I know you wouldn't feel the same--"

"I do."

Shane stares in stunned silence. Ryan wipes at his face, but scalding tears just keep falling. So much for not confessing his feelings tonight. The secret Ryan's carried for years still claws its way out. Aren't love confessions supposed to come with smiles? Then why are they both crying so much?

Conflicted emotions play out in Shane's eyes. He's never been so exposed to reveal raw vulnerability. "Ryan-" The man shakes his head. "I- I'm not-- You deserve better-"

"You're more than enough," Ryan cuts in. "You always have been, Shane." Even with fear hammering in his chest, he asks, "Can I kiss you?" Maybe most other people would've just kissed without saying anything. But not Ryan. Especially not while knowing Shane's been disrespected, abused and fucked over by an ex-boyfriend. "Do you want me to? It's totally okay if you don't."

The way Shane keeps staring in quiet surprise and even puzzlement breaks Ryan's heart the most. It's as if being asked what he wants, and knowing he has the right to say, _'No,'_ are foreign concepts.

But for the first time tonight, Shane smiles. It's real, it's warm, it's bright. That smile is the beginning of how Ryan fell in love with this man.

"Yeah, Ryan. I'd love that."

With a tearful smile of his own, Ryan presses their lips together. He means for this to be soft and gentle. But the kiss is messy and sharp edges and desperate. It's all the apologies for not being there for Shane. It's every vow to stand by his side, and love all parts of him.

As Ryan's hand tightens in the man's hair, Shane circles an arm around him. Shane pulls the younger man in closer until Ryan's straddling his lap. His other hand rests on the side of Ryan's neck, and feels for the pulse in his jugular vein. A breathless sound escapes Shane as Ryan's tongue flickers across his lower lip. Racing heartbeats between rib cages guide them towards each other. Only once they're in need of air does the kiss break. They take a few moments to catch their breaths.

Gently, Ryan presses his lips to the corner of Shane's mouth. "You okay with taking it slow?" Ryan murmurs. "Don't get me wrong, dude. I've been wanting to be with you for years. But I think we should just-- I don't know- maybe cuddle tonight?"

"That's perfect. It's what I need too," Shane replies with a relieved grin. "And to be honest, I'd rather us not go that far in a shitty hotel." He pecks Ryan's cheek, then brushes the tears away. There's a hopeful look to his eyes. "Wanna come home with me when we fly back tomorrow?"

They've been at each other's places countless times. But to be asked over like this is new and thrilling. Ryan tries to stay chill. But his heart fills with overwhelming joy. It show on his beaming face. "Hell yeah, dude." He steals another kiss. Ryan loves the feel of Shane smiling into it.

With Shane's hand in his, Ryan helps him to stand up. They turn off the bathroom light and vents, then head to bed. Ryan pulls Shane in closer. His head rests on Shane's arm as they fall into an embrace. Shane plays with Ryan's soft hair.

In the dark, Shane asks, "Should we reset the cameras and audio recorders?"

"No," answers Ryan. He kisses the man's collar bone. "We'll just say there were technical difficulties."

In any other situations, Ryan would have them capture footage for their show. But Ryan knows when to draw lines. Right now, emotionally supporting Shane, and protecting his privacy are most important. Ryan's not going to have Shane's vulnerabilities broadcasted to the world.

"Mmm." Shane kisses the top of Ryan's head. "And here I was thinking you'd claim it's due to a ghost or two fucking around with the equipment."

Ryan lets out a scoff. "Just so you can shoot those ideas down?"

"Yep."

When Ryan playfully elbows him, Shane laughs. The sound reverberates warmly inside Ryan's chest. Shane pulls the other man in closer until Ryan's lying partly on top.

"Ry?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks," Shane says against Ryan's temple. "For everything."

Ryan presses his lips against Shane's softly. "I'm here for you, man. Just like how you've been here for me. We'll work through this together." He lifts Shane's hand to kiss the nail scars on his palm. "I promise, I'm gonna treat you the way you deserve."

Fondness carries through Shane's chuckle. "You're gonna make me cry again, dude." His arm around Ryan tightens. "But same. I'll take care of you too."

Ryan smiles against the curve of Shane's neck. In the dark, their hands reach until they touch.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, everyone! Thank you for reading ;u; <3 This is my first Ryan x Shane fic. I love their show and dynamic, so I've really been wanting to write for them.
> 
> A future story will delve deeper into Shane's history, and explore how Ryan and Shane keep supporting each other. Finally, I'm finding the courage to write about abuse in a romantic relationship, and storms during the aftermath. So, I'm grateful for you all reading this story. Any kudos, comments, and so on are loved. Stay safe, take care of yourselves, and have a great day :) !
> 
> [ Disclaimer: This is 100% a work of fiction. There is no association with the real Ryan Bergara and Shane Madej. ]


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